Life
I was informed that i got my transfer on the 3 weeks just before my real departure to KK and this time..it mean 'real'. Yeah, i beg for mercy for it to happen but didnt expect it will hurt someone feeling from this so-call happy news that people might think i would be in this situation., suppose they just see what they saw outside not deep inside.
myworld had change so far. But, deep down still the same faith. NOthing that really matter now if people see what actually being hiding at my back thruout these 1 mth of 'coming back' to KK.
Life sure change, work change, friends change, the faith will always maintain as it was before. DOn't know why.
Here, it's totally different from KL. i got some special friend at KL before. but it was all dissappear. Its meant to be. God has He's will probably. im not sure why but maybe He tried to say somethings to me but i'm the one who can't see the facts of it.That's why, Reality?God knows all that. SOmehow i sometimes don;t understand why it's hard for this to work? I feel the burden when thinking of it. MOney issue will owez be the 1st to enter in mylife..even if they said i should be glad i had the opportunity to come back to my hometown and i got the transfer, i got someone,i got myfamily, I got mywork..here. yeah,suppose i shoud be happy but not lihe this. Deep inside, the do feel some emptiness. Ppl should see what i'm thinking, feel and dealing with now. You know whenever you feel happy inside, is when all perfectly done, but i didn't. I'm glad bcos of 'them'...i appreciated their concern and help, but behind of all this drama, there are the 2 characters than actually should not 'die'in it.it's too deep, i know.i should not have to repeat back and remember what's past, but it's still 'there'. How could i stop? How could i fix it?
I lost something. i lost someone.i can't make them understand why it happened.
i guess i traumatize by some of the event in mylife. I can't even face any 'bad issues'.i fight with someone. i fight with ppl close to me, even now...i still feel the unsecured inside 'them'. I can't explain why, i tried to be wise, i tried to listen, understand and learn, but it's all faults. It's all negative.
The noices, the words, the actions make me always wonder if these ppl love and care for me sincerely or am i been cursed by ppl who hate me?disguised by my 'so-call' happy life? If yes, then..they are wrong!
Look at me they maybe will guess i'm as happy as those that have everythgs.
SIde of those'happiness', these's always appeared a 'dark cloud'.
I'm not saying i don't feel bless by ppl that care and love me now, i know they want to be thre for me, but i guess i'm the one that making those dark cloud appeared no matter what.
i'm afraid.EVen i'm here with my family and loved one, i know there's will always be a dark cloud.Until i feel i have to surrender myhappiness to one that want that should have it many years ago.
THat's my life now in KK.Basically i still fight with myself. I'm still finding myway to cure. CUre from what? EVerythings~i know i'm not like those holy ones that always bless by God,always have the place in His eyes. i know i never pray hard enough to have my happiness in this life. But i left Him to decide my faith, even for mylife now.
