tat's time we went out to release ourself from the troubles of some friends that wanted to ruined our life.
The crowd was not very happening, we move our butt away..from Library to the other pub/club-LAundry. Cos we feeel that there are more happenIng than at Library. Just not feeling comfortable fo stay on at Library if that place was not..feeling any joy at all.
Glad tat we change place. When we came there, no cover charges. the crowd was great! and i like the songs...!!!
But only things that missing around here was the feeling of enjoyment and the ...feeling of having my real friend beside me. I dunhave that feeling with this friend anymore or should i said she dunhave such ..connection of friendship with me again cos her time was already separated for her other best pal? I know i dun want to be so selfish or greedy to ask for more intension from her or anyone that i cared to care me back after some incident happened but it's sometimes really making me feel so sad to know the facts it's just not the same like it used to be. Most of the time..the feeling that i feel now it's totally beyond my control. I got jeolous too much of what i saw, what i feel, what I jugde..what I realised....that The friendship that I had for almost..10yrs back was already started to fade away from me. I know it sound silly to think such things in life, especially with that long friendship , but it's look different. The more I tried to face it and to accept the facts of our real move on activities, the more hard for me to let this things go as it were.
My life..not as pretty as it was before anymore. I feel everyday was a burden for me, I begin to hate it ! I'm not even use to it any longer.
I dun want to be such hipokrit but...i think i begin to feel it like every single days of my life here. I begin to feel sad, mad, frustration & hate to live here in KL anymore. Do you want me to say these? That I hate seeing the people I see everydays. I hate to know how happy other people live, I hate to meet even new people in mylife.. even my face show it differently ..and it was all because of the one thing that i've done in my life before, it had changed me now. The DaMn feeling had making me lost my mind of being the person i used to be. The cruel thinking of how people treated me now had begin to let me feel down. My own bestfriend had move on. Yeah...I did hope and prayed for her to have her own life as long as she 's happy, i feel happy too..but i dun know why..now.. didn't feel it like it suppose to be. I feel sad. I feel the LOST! I know 'she' had been reading this blog..and i know they know what i've been saying ...about.
I can't even sleep actually till this morniing when thinking about it..I even cried..
WHen I saw the clock ..turned to 6am this morning, I remember ....I wake up all night long. I didn't even sleep! And guess what?....she had wake up..so early, i dun know where she went to..but i know ..she had some plan ...an early plan with her...should i say...'gud buddy'...?~
I dun want to be paranoid or jealous over what had been going on past few months ago or ...on her current activities..but sometimes..I feel so lonely, to tel the truth, I never feel this hurtful feeling when with a friend, but i do..feel that i'm not that gud use anymore as her friend, i'm just a shadow for her..i'm being the 'so-call maid' in the house that help to clean up those ...dirty works. I'm only 'paying my debts' on all those favors that she been giving me before. I wish ..i wish so much .....that i can go back to the place that i used to come from-SAbah. How I wish that we are not being friend anymore..and, how i wish..we are not ..even a housemate anymore cos it does kill me inside when facing the everydays conflicts and the truth of friendship that actually will never ..be everlasting, Face the facts...it will never be forever! Maybe it's true what mum said about it long time ago.. i shouldn't continue my journey here. I shouldn't continue what it's not my destiny, I shouldn't keep running away from problems back at my hometown but the fact is that It's all started here, not there!
I never born to be a 'city' girl...I never meant to start my life. .at this big city where I have to face all those cruel feeling and human. Now, I just hope i'm being the 'naive' girl...that i used to be back then. I really hope ...that things will be alright..but ....it 's all too late!!!
The mistakes that i took place in my life had taking my 'souls & sunshine' away from me.
The hopes for living my imaginary beautiful normal life had been destroyed since I choose to believe in 1 person that i thought was going to love me..but yet, he DON'T. How pain it feel when...the 1 attempt that i ever left her alone..was back on few mths ago, the..longest for about 3 days but now had effected me for almost 5 months ever since the last mistakes i made. She wanted to calculated each and every moment of 'sorrowness'..in her life? Then...pls..calculate mine...now.~Is it equally to the sorrow she felt before? Does it help to revenge on the pain that she had before?! Does it cure her? If not, then ...I will sacrifices giving up all the happiness for her to make sure that she get all that she ever wanted ~! One condition in return, I want to back of ...of this painful journey. I want my old normal life back. I wanted to stop dreaming...! I want to stop my imagination!! It's all fake..and ..it's all never even come true~!
Today..it's totally different. Today...i saw ...myself in this small box of ...empty lonesome house.
Some people..might not understand why I feel this, but when you are alone,sad, down, and feeling useless in a society...then, you'll know what exactly it mean.
I thought the clubbing can help me relief and can help me rebond back the friendship, but i think it doesn't help at all...it's just 'crap'!! Nothing mean to her anymore besides...her 'A' list friend(s)..
It's just wasted of time! ..all i saw ...all night, the HP at her hand..the msg text and the planning that her 'A' list friend had drawn for her.
I lost my 'Sunshine'...few months ago..and will lost it no matter what. I just hope...I will not have this 'heavy' feeling anymore...Enough of the hurtful things in my life..Enough! I can't bare to face it again...anymore....~!Just....plsss....it's ENough!
