Chap GOh Mei..

The end of CNY . I was suppose to have last dinner for this end of CNY day and end up I was being alone and I didn't tak any..dinner at all. I just dun have any mood. I was at home for the whole day and it was..really making me feel sad. Nobody was there for me..to talk on what I felt, until I have to survive with those other friends that willing to chat with me inside FB or by text. I know I can't stop on what cilla had been done these few days..as long as ..she being happy and I still got my BFF...But lately, I feel it had changed again.
Well..she came back home just now. How I feel like ..i wana give her a big hug & tell her..that we need to discuss this ..matter. I need to say sorry if i did done somethings wrong , how I feel that we are getting apart each days ..of our life, but I can't and we end up silent..and didn't talk at all. If we open our mouth, end up again with some little quarrel. I just dun wish it to be like that case anymore. Do u understand that I'm being....here waiting for my friend? The dinner was actually mentioned by herself at 1st ..yesterday, but she probably had already forgot. SHe's joined..her A list friend indeed. It's ...just a sucks feeling i felt yesterday.

:((

Bring back my ....sunshine~

I came back from outting with my girl pals at The Curve, Damansara. We went to The Libraby at 1st time..but when we release tat the songs & the bands was not very good at all. MMm..i think the place is only for those who want to chill out and to meet up. All of them seat like very nice & neat , doesn't feel it's a boring place to be. It's the 1st time i went out to clubbing after the last time went to clubbing with mmm...'z'.

tat's time we went out to release ourself from the troubles of some friends that wanted to ruined our life.

The crowd was not very happening, we move our butt away..from Library to the other pub/club-LAundry. Cos we feeel that there are more happenIng than at Library. Just not feeling comfortable fo stay on at Library if that place was not..feeling any joy at all.

Glad tat we change place. When we came there, no cover charges. the crowd was great! and i like the songs...!!!

But only things that missing around here was the feeling of enjoyment and the ...feeling of having my real friend beside me. I dunhave that feeling with this friend anymore or should i said she dunhave such ..connection of friendship with me again cos her time was already separated for her other best pal? I know i dun want to be so selfish or greedy to ask for more intension from her or anyone that i cared to care me back after some incident happened but it's sometimes really making me feel so sad to know the facts it's just not the same like it used to be. Most of the time..the feeling that i feel now it's totally beyond my control. I got jeolous too much of what i saw, what i feel, what I jugde..what I realised....that The friendship that I had for almost..10yrs back was already started to fade away from me. I know it sound silly to think such things in life, especially with that long friendship , but it's look different. The more I tried to face it and to accept the facts of our real move on activities, the more hard for me to let this things go as it were.

My life..not as pretty as it was before anymore. I feel everyday was a burden for me, I begin to hate it ! I'm not even use to it any longer.

I dun want to be such hipokrit but...i think i begin to feel it like every single days of my life here. I begin to feel sad, mad, frustration & hate to live here in KL anymore. Do you want me to say these? That I hate seeing the people I see everydays. I hate to know how happy other people live, I hate to meet even new people in mylife.. even my face show it differently ..and it was all because of the one thing that i've done in my life before, it had changed me now. The DaMn feeling had making me lost my mind of being the person i used to be. The cruel thinking of how people treated me now had begin to let me feel down. My own bestfriend had move on. Yeah...I did hope and prayed for her to have her own life as long as she 's happy, i feel happy too..but i dun know why..now.. didn't feel it like it suppose to be. I feel sad. I feel the LOST! I know 'she' had been reading this blog..and i know they know what i've been saying ...about.

I can't even sleep actually till this morniing when thinking about it..I even cried..

WHen I saw the clock ..turned to 6am this morning, I remember ....I wake up all night long. I didn't even sleep! And guess what?....she had wake up..so early, i dun know where she went to..but i know ..she had some plan ...an early plan with her...should i say...'gud buddy'...?~

I dun want to be paranoid or jealous over what had been going on past few months ago or ...on her current activities..but sometimes..I feel so lonely, to tel the truth, I never feel this hurtful feeling when with a friend, but i do..feel that i'm not that gud use anymore as her friend, i'm just a shadow for her..i'm being the 'so-call maid' in the house that help to clean up those ...dirty works. I'm only 'paying my debts' on all those favors that she been giving me before. I wish ..i wish so much .....that i can go back to the place that i used to come from-SAbah. How I wish that we are not being friend anymore..and, how i wish..we are not ..even a housemate anymore cos it does kill me inside when facing the everydays conflicts and the truth of friendship that actually will never ..be everlasting, Face the facts...it will never be forever! Maybe it's true what mum said about it long time ago.. i shouldn't continue my journey here. I shouldn't continue what it's not my destiny, I shouldn't keep running away from problems back at my hometown but the fact is that It's all started here, not there!

I never born to be a 'city' girl...I never meant to start my life. .at this big city where I have to face all those cruel feeling and human. Now, I just hope i'm being the 'naive' girl...that i used to be back then. I really hope ...that things will be alright..but ....it 's all too late!!!

The mistakes that i took place in my life had taking my 'souls & sunshine' away from me.

The hopes for living my imaginary beautiful normal life had been destroyed since I choose to believe in 1 person that i thought was going to love me..but yet, he DON'T. How pain it feel when...the 1 attempt that i ever left her alone..was back on few mths ago, the..longest for about 3 days but now had effected me for almost 5 months ever since the last mistakes i made. She wanted to calculated each and every moment of 'sorrowness'..in her life? Then...pls..calculate mine...now.~Is it equally to the sorrow she felt before? Does it help to revenge on the pain that she had before?! Does it cure her? If not, then ...I will sacrifices giving up all the happiness for her to make sure that she get all that she ever wanted ~! One condition in return, I want to back of ...of this painful journey. I want my old normal life back. I wanted to stop dreaming...! I want to stop my imagination!! It's all fake..and ..it's all never even come true~!

Today..it's totally different. Today...i saw ...myself in this small box of ...empty lonesome house.

Some people..might not understand why I feel this, but when you are alone,sad, down, and feeling useless in a society...then, you'll know what exactly it mean.

I thought the clubbing can help me relief and can help me rebond back the friendship, but i think it doesn't help at all...it's just 'crap'!! Nothing mean to her anymore besides...her 'A' list friend(s)..

It's just wasted of time! ..all i saw ...all night, the HP at her hand..the msg text and the planning that her 'A' list friend had drawn for her.

I lost my 'Sunshine'...few months ago..and will lost it no matter what. I just hope...I will not have this 'heavy' feeling anymore...Enough of the hurtful things in my life..Enough! I can't bare to face it again...anymore....~!Just....plsss....it's ENough!

A 'MELANCHOLY'....

Just now ...i realised of somethings being said. Somethings that I knew will never be end even..i tried to end. Somethings that I tried to struggle to fight for ...somethings that I want to change...somethings that are so...fragile to handle.

Sia ka yg bersalah..setiap kali benda mcmni berlaku? Sia ka yg patut merasai setiap ..keperitan dlm hidup yang sia impikan utk berakhir dgn gembira & suka tapi kesudahannya...bukan seperti apa yg sia harapkan. Sia sedar kdg2 mmg ia melukakan hati org dan sia sedar sia ...tidak berniat mau buat mereka kecewa dgn sia atau sedih dgn setiap tingkah laku yg sia buat..sia tidak bermaksud utk melakukan semua itu tapi..end up sia terbuat jugak , sia lukakan hati..kawan2 sia. Sia sedar sia ....telah byk membuat kesilapan dalam hidup yang sepatutnya tidak patut berlaku, tapi kerana nasfu keinginan utk cuba membuat kesilapan itula ..mengundang masalah & perasaan sediih sekarang ini. It's hard to Swalllow..and to accept that when...ppl said I'm the one..that being so selfish to try somethings so 'dangerous' in my life and end up hurting myself at the end.

And how my own friends had judged & talked about me at the back...even they tried to be nice , understand and tolerate over me...it will only making me feel that I'm being useless as a human..as a lady...even worst when what the prediction always be the correct one, it put me in a very 'uncomfortable zone' The judgement that they asked my HER why still being friend with me if I never think of HER ? Why...don't you just let Jenny be herself? WHy...still bother to care or love her as friend ? That's why I am staying away from them....for few months before. The judgement indeed true,,i guess! I'm the victim of 'so-call' unconditional love.. I lost in my own history ..
How the words that been said just now ..making me realised that I will never ever had the condition like before. I will always stuck with what had happened in past..and will always be the 'malancholy girl', no matter what d present had 'shower' us ....the history will always stuck together.

The words that she said remind me about somethings that so hurtful..All the facts came out without forgiveness. I was speechless..
Ya....mmg la..sia most of the time perlakukan tabiat sia..yg suka mau cari hal, but sia ndak akan simply cari hal. I just feel that somehow, ada benda yg men'trigger' sia. I feel most of the time, my life had being empty and lonely eversince then. I feel I soon lost the very BFF friend that I ever had ....i know...I' m not own her as my BFF forever, or to stop her to find other friends that she like & that can comfort her. It's only ..sometimes, when you had attached to that person, and when ...sometimes, when...things had changed , it feel that there's suddenly have an empty space in the middle of the bond , expecially the bond had been there... long time. Jurang timbul...dan..terasala segala...ketidakpuasan terhadap org2 yg rapat.. and ambil berat jadi rapat dgn org lain. Sia tau dia akan compare kan...apa yg berlaku antara sia dgn 'JD'...yg sia pergi dgn guy tu even sia faham yg kami belum kenal each other well and I know...he's only treated me as a 'rebound' to what happened to him after his ex-gf broke his heart ....and yet, that time, it's his turn to hurt and broke my heart & feeling. All those 'loving words' burned to pieces after what he msg ..after the painful words that he tried to cover.

Never imagine those words bring an effect on me and making me think of the past & the regret from everythings that had been done & happened. I dun have the intention to hurt her too. I Don't!! I never left out her in my life! Yet I never try to abandon her even that time I was with 'JD'. Yeah...maybe i left out her when ...the spicy moment just started , but I didn't even said ...i'm going to keep abandon or left her out of my life. BUt why...she keep saying like I'm being such 'bitch' to left my only good friend that always being there for me no matter what?!
I think all night after the whole things vanished few mths after the relationship just started to bloom, but...somehow, i knew...it will not work out..even how much i tried! But that time, things btwn me & my fren had being tense. It's all changed since then.

I realised now....
The words that came out from your mouth...saying that dissappointment you had with me. I was so sad ,....too sad to even speak or say any words. I still care. I still love. I still remember.
But sometimes, when we promises of somethings, we'll forgot abt it...but I crawling to show my face to her to show how much I appreciated her..as my BFF..
ANd even that , she said i don't appreaciated? How am i going to show the true meaning of appreciation? DId anyone know what exactly i feel? think? ...and ..hope?
I know i did do mistakes..alot..in life.
I know..it's unforgettable & unforgiveness ...but i never...forget what real friendship mean!

I never...forget! ..

MY GONG HEI FATT CHAI..2010//

Yeah.. I went back to KK during CNY. Yupps..i touched down at KK @ 13th Feb in the morning. Had a wonderful time with my families, even it's not a perfect one, but i always enjoyed their accompany. I didn't spend enough quality time with them since I'm in KL..always left out of every occations that our families had.


The 1st day i arrived,my bro & me..went to KK to buy some CNY groceries. Mum was preparing the CNY eve's dinner at home bcos daddy have to go back to Kuala Penyu in that evening. So, after shopping the last minute groceries for that evening, we went home directly to have the early CNY eve dinner.



We went back to Kuala Penyu, my dad 'kampung' on the next day. Anne, my bro's gf was following us together. We visiting grandfather & grandmother at Kiambor that day. Auntie Ede was there, and some of my really long lost cousins was there too. Seeing them for the 1st time make me realised that we didn't meet with each other more than 10 yrs.

After that, we visit 'engkong' tua'- my old grandpa (relative)..whose actually getting 'sick' ...

the 2nd day...we went back to ...Tenghilan where my stepgrandmother live alone there after my grandpa passed away last year (mum side). My step uncles & auntie, cousins...was all there..really really long time too since the last time we all met up. That time ...my grandpa still alive ..and it did make my heart touched by their arriving that day.

ANd the 3rd day, kami pulak have to bangun pagi..mum asked to follow her to pasar bought the things for the cooking on the next day cos...we have our...OPEN HOUSE! haha...penat , panas & really..really..sweat alot! The weather just too HOT at SabaH! Then, in the afternoon...we went to see my cuzin, Carol 's wedding at the Dewan Kebudayaan Penampang-Donggogon..hmm, my 1st time going to wedding in the Dewan..and the Bride & Groom look so pretty and handsome.



There are alot of exciting stories & events during my return to KK,Sabah.
I had included it in my photo illustration as followed:-





==>my open house @17/2/10..

===>The SHow from my cuzin's Wedding Ceremony at Dewan Kebudayaan Penampang

==>AT Tenghilan, grandma's house...with my uncles, young uncles, auntie, cuzins... ^_^

==>Oliver@Liboh..MAry's son.. at and the right side-Chicken CUrry, Sausages..mum cooked!

below: my grandma's house..village's

==> biscuits..candies, cakes, oranges...nutss....and all ..and all...

==> grandma's new House...(frm the back)

===> KIDS-My lil' cuzins..and some relatives coming ...

===>these are some of the normal..sweet thgs to be our,,...serve for the guests before the main dishes..CNY routines...

==>Fried Chicken by Mummy.....yum yummm.. During the renion at Tenghilan..

==>my cousins..and uncle Johnny..some friends..coming..too~

My weekends....

typed this since 1 month ago but keep forgeting to publish it since it was not complete yet. I still editting some of the stories that i thought i wanna include in it. but...i guess.. these are the some of the stories that still bare in mind this time.

Today...sia buat biskut.for the coming new year *CNY). yesteday buat....yups i was there..i do HOney cornflakes semlm, then tadi petang i baked these biscuit ...HOney STar coated with choco. mmmm ndak tau la sedap ka ndak. Hopefully it's not too sweet or too burned ..hahahah.Itu ja kan yg mampu sia buat memandangkan skrg tgh budget jugak. :(

Haha...mum sure will have a surprised this year. I done almost 3 kind of biscuits, and hoping that it will be nicer than last year. Hopefully...


These few days, I did have alot of things going on. My works was quiet normal now. Only sometimes, i feel that i am really lost in my own life. Not much of entertainment involved nowadays cos....i have to limit my usage of money,my attitude & my friends boundaries. I dunknow why, my mind stuck wth the problems I'm facing now & the reality of what happened currently.



I got to know somethings from a frien.d SOmthings that i dun even know. I feel like ..i am really out of the world for a while since this things ...making me feel like I am not belong here with her, but the other rest did. Never imagine...life is really hard for us. I did asked God if there's a place for her to be happy, i will let her be happy. and if any person that can make her happy, then i will let her be with the person that care & love her as it will be. Begitu jugakla dgn persahabatan. We become so much more better than previously, and somehow i knew that it's not me that making the life better than usual. it's someone else.


I dun know why, i did promise myself that no matter what, i know that she will always be my bff no matter what ..BUt, it's different now. Just different. somethings had been missing. Eventhou we are still close, but..the closeness was not the same as before.



i Shud be happy for her, i shud be glad. Infact, i am glad & happy for her currently, but deep down , i feel sad cos i can't be a good friend for her in anyways that other people will give. That's the reality!When I was alone last 2 weeks ago, I did feel that I have done somethings wrong there & i get it back as what had been done before. i feel how loneliness can ..make us feel so tense without anyone to talk..or listen, being there or ..to chat with us. it remind me back of those sad ending that i had with ...him. Its too hard and sad to think that i can't barely stand anyone..talking & listening about love , and .....being satisfy over person that think they had find a true love...

BUt sometimes, there are somthings that people just don't know what exactly i feel deep down inside. Its just hard to explain the exact words.

i know i can't judge anyone in this and i know i really cant blame anyone also for what had happened previously. It all changed since the 'it' all happened..since the meeting, the process of knowing , the dating time & break up time....it's a suck time all i know.

Now, it's all differently exposed, it will not be the same anymore.