Just now ...i realised of somethings being said. Somethings that I knew will never be end even..i tried to end. Somethings that I tried to struggle to fight for ...somethings that I want to change...somethings that are so...fragile to handle.
Sia ka yg bersalah..setiap kali benda mcmni berlaku? Sia ka yg patut merasai setiap ..keperitan dlm hidup yang sia impikan utk berakhir dgn gembira & suka tapi kesudahannya...bukan seperti apa yg sia harapkan. Sia sedar kdg2 mmg ia melukakan hati org dan sia sedar sia ...tidak berniat mau buat mereka kecewa dgn sia atau sedih dgn setiap tingkah laku yg sia buat..sia tidak bermaksud utk melakukan semua itu tapi..end up sia terbuat jugak , sia lukakan hati..kawan2 sia. Sia sedar sia ....telah byk membuat kesilapan dalam hidup yang sepatutnya tidak patut berlaku, tapi kerana nasfu keinginan utk cuba membuat kesilapan itula ..mengundang masalah & perasaan sediih sekarang ini. It's hard to Swalllow..and to accept that when...ppl said I'm the one..that being so selfish to try somethings so 'dangerous' in my life and end up hurting myself at the end.
And how my own friends had judged & talked about me at the back...even they tried to be nice , understand and tolerate over me...it will only making me feel that I'm being useless as a human..as a lady...even worst when what the prediction always be the correct one, it put me in a very 'uncomfortable zone' The judgement that they asked my HER why still being friend with me if I never think of HER ? Why...don't you just let Jenny be herself? WHy...still bother to care or love her as friend ? That's why I am staying away from them....for few months before. The judgement indeed true,,i guess! I'm the victim of 'so-call' unconditional love.. I lost in my own history ..
How the words that been said just now ..making me realised that I will never ever had the condition like before. I will always stuck with what had happened in past..and will always be the 'malancholy girl', no matter what d present had 'shower' us ....the history will always stuck together.
The words that she said remind me about somethings that so hurtful..All the facts came out without forgiveness. I was speechless..
Ya....mmg la..sia most of the time perlakukan tabiat sia..yg suka mau cari hal, but sia ndak akan simply cari hal. I just feel that somehow, ada benda yg men'trigger' sia. I feel most of the time, my life had being empty and lonely eversince then. I feel I soon lost the very BFF friend that I ever had ....i know...I' m not own her as my BFF forever, or to stop her to find other friends that she like & that can comfort her. It's only ..sometimes, when you had attached to that person, and when ...sometimes, when...things had changed , it feel that there's suddenly have an empty space in the middle of the bond , expecially the bond had been there... long time. Jurang timbul...dan..terasala segala...ketidakpuasan terhadap org2 yg rapat.. and ambil berat jadi rapat dgn org lain. Sia tau dia akan compare kan...apa yg berlaku antara sia dgn 'JD'...yg sia pergi dgn guy tu even sia faham yg kami belum kenal each other well and I know...he's only treated me as a 'rebound' to what happened to him after his ex-gf broke his heart ....and yet, that time, it's his turn to hurt and broke my heart & feeling. All those 'loving words' burned to pieces after what he msg ..after the painful words that he tried to cover.
Never imagine those words bring an effect on me and making me think of the past & the regret from everythings that had been done & happened. I dun have the intention to hurt her too. I Don't!! I never left out her in my life! Yet I never try to abandon her even that time I was with 'JD'. Yeah...maybe i left out her when ...the spicy moment just started , but I didn't even said ...i'm going to keep abandon or left her out of my life. BUt why...she keep saying like I'm being such 'bitch' to left my only good friend that always being there for me no matter what?!
I think all night after the whole things vanished few mths after the relationship just started to bloom, but...somehow, i knew...it will not work out..even how much i tried! But that time, things btwn me & my fren had being tense. It's all changed since then.
I realised now....
The words that came out from your mouth...saying that dissappointment you had with me. I was so sad ,....too sad to even speak or say any words. I still care. I still love. I still remember.
But sometimes, when we promises of somethings, we'll forgot abt it...but I crawling to show my face to her to show how much I appreciated her..as my BFF..
ANd even that , she said i don't appreaciated? How am i going to show the true meaning of appreciation? DId anyone know what exactly i feel? think? ...and ..hope?
I know i did do mistakes..alot..in life.
I know..it's unforgettable & unforgiveness ...but i never...forget what real friendship mean!
I never...forget! ..
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