These few months...

siaw na's life We visited her again for 2nd time at her home in kepayan last 3 weeks ago..as i remembered, but was surprised by the answered from her mom,and sister that she was again put into the Hospital Mesra 1 week ago due to some issue which unexplained on Siaw na's condition that still not cure yet and still need to be supervise & under control by the hospital. We-me, hsiao fui, Shu tsen, Ai Zhen, Lee Yun was really n shocked when we heard abt the news..it's just not right! We went to the Hospital Mesra in Bukit Padang LUyang just to know her condtiion. It was a scared and 'eery' feeling when the 1st time approaching the hospital, its like we r in somewhere so isolated far away from other ppls and the most part is when you been treated as one. It was so...a emotional time for us when we saw siaw na' there.never wonder she will wear such garment where it's a uniform for the patients inside that hospital. I'm speechless when we got nearer to her.some of the patients approached us..and teelling us asomethings, besides they being like 'kids' but with really friendly tones. i remembered the other one, a lady with some age of 30/40 plus asking whether we bring her any foods and she keep asking us to bring her some foods,any foods..and she would like us to buy if possible biskuts and some bread.., she said she wana eat alot cos she was very hungry. Siaw na showed some eagerness when she's talking. She told us again somehow..she hate her family. her mom, dad and her siblings. She said her dad not even care and bother abt her, he just need to send her into the hospital and she was so mad..bcos of that. She talked abt her mom and she said her mom was not well, n insane. She even again told us that her brother didn't like her, and beating her again. She just feel unsecured of her own family too right now. She keep saying she cared and loved her family and that's why she keep advicing her brother to find a good work and telling her family about all the 'thiings that she wanted her family to have and to be. But we advice her not to think too much of that and her family until it hurt her. When i heard what she told us, see what happened to her, all the 'shadows' from my past suddenly pop infront of my eyes. I didn't even realise what happened to her, it's almost what used to happened to me, the different is probably she have it too much and she don't have anyone who can support her and talk with her thru these. It's just not fair to her for being in this very hectic life and new era which she still can't accept all the changes in one time, that's what make her repeal from this whole situation. I cried the 2nd time when i saw her . I don't know how to stop being sad whenever i think of her being in that 'dungeon' and surrounded by ppl whose got their problems and finally be fill with such negative thoughts of her own life until she want to end it! It's so much same as what I experienced for. I wana tell her abt life which not always fair to all of us, but i can't, maybe it's not the time yet. There's alot to talk abt her, but it's just only inside here cos her life really mean alot! She's a genius student, a person and a friend..to us. She's not Crazy, only disturb. She need our help & support. Works. I stayed alot of time also in the office just finish my adhoc works-like normal even when i was in KL dulu. Alot to learn in Corp.loan& BUsiness Banking things, i still learning it till today and sometimes i find it quite challenging too. Only the problem is from the people itself that make the works not interesting sometimes. COlleagues which don't tolerate with u and always pushing you around, making u look like stupid and worst- they are so ego! ..even in KK! Yupp...I did answer some of the very ego 'RM' cum colleagues that didn't wana co-operate and keep pushing around just to push you to finish her works and granted her wish to get the client's facility done on the same day. The power of the words in email lagi buat sakithati..cos she just don't even care if you got many works to do pun, she still pushing us around! YUpps.. like what we been teached in the Pro.Grooming and Image Course last weekends..-'Just forget about the B.I.T.C.H!" even how they treated us, just don't mind them and let us be ourselves! I do hope it's can be apply in our work life then..hopefully. Relationship Like normal- not always perfect even how he care about us..and i care abt him but it's all just not right. And most of it, come from me! Yeah..i know.. i got some issue with boys!with guys! not I dun trust them but sometime they are too unpredictable, they are sometimes reckless,..lazy and ego! I talked this, cos even my own father have the same attitudes. Or is it bcos of me? I wonder...~? I tried to understand them but like i said it's not easy to build and maintain the same relationship like before we fall in love with each others. Its just not right when there's no fight, when there's no issues and when there's no...dramas. i still in that dilemma to think whether is it 'my call' to build a commitment now or not? I just not sure.. FAmily Fight? Misundertanding? Mom's sometimes irratating ...'manners', its all in one blend.Since come back here, i saw many of the same things. not much of changes..tambahan lagi i already here, the more la the problems are. Mum just being her own,..attitudes and sometimes it just not meant to 'mouth fight' with her, i just need her to understand and become more knowledgeable. I just dunwant ppl to make fun of her and laugh at her due to her 'talk alot' thgs..and 'ask alot' thgs..and she's not even understand the stories sometimes. Plus she like to talk by shouting! Infact, i think it run to the family now..i guess..all talk by shouting?! why hould be that way? Mayb i'm not good enough to be her daughter cos sometimes i feel so down when each times she 'tegur' at me if i did somethings no matter what it is..it's always not good!she always not satisfied..always not perfect for her..even to the sub. of arranging the living room. Again i asked myself why? But apart from all these, the fact is i Love her..and i love myfamily. i know my comeback to KK for them is not good enough since i still dealing with my financial prob till today. I just hope things will be better soon for us..and the 'rezeki' will come easy soon. Just let God decide on that then.:(

A surprise Visit..

Today, I went to have some jog,walk and chat with my dearly old primary schoosome friend, Ai zhen who i 1st met during our small runion last week. We have alot to follow up too since its had already been more than 10 yrs that we lost contact..and didnt meet. Then, Ai zhen suggest that we have a short visit to Siaw Na's house..and yes..we did. I had been thinking to find her few years and even plan to visit her knowing that her condition is really not good as what all our friends used to said. She's still like what we saw her in our high school time. The moment we step in into her house, we find it very hard..too. the place is small..too much of thgs..and its not much of space to move. and Siaw Na physically become more chubb than before. The way she talked is not much different but there's somethgs tat making her look 'unnormal'..i cant explain how..but she's just not being normal. we was really surprised when she told us that she was aditted to Hospital Bukit Padang just few week ago. We just shocked and we totally thought she was joking. But nooo... she's not. She even show her medicine and there's somethings that she even said to us that i can explain all here. All that matter now is she's having some disorder..and its troubling her. She told us that she was even given 2 week MC by her school where she teach at to recover for the stress and have some rest. Even her hp cant be reach cos the school principal took huer hp away cos she was admitted into the mental hospital.its all look just unbelievable! A used-to-be smart and among the top student end up her life being in this situation. When i hear what she said and look at her condition, it remind me of myself.The different is atleast i got someone to talk, but while she struggles wit her disorder, she feel empty and alone. no one to talk to that can guide her. Mr acamna sy mo ckp ni arr??i cried at Ai zhen's car after we went back and when she send me back. We was talking abt na, and how we can help her? guide her..atleast to accept thgs already change, we cant rewind the history, we cant go back to our past, our childhood. Frm our point of view, and frm what she keep saying to us..she's seem like 'lost' in her own land. she don't know what to be? Child or mature adult?!thats what keep bothering her.she just cant accept! she told us abt the student that shre used to teach. She said nowadays student are very agreesive! She explain how everytime she entered the classroom, she feel that the class want to tort ure her, feel so daring and she feel like the kids wana 'gertak' her n keep acting that way til she feel so stress. Luckily Ai zhen was there too when i cried thkg of siaw na.i see her in me!i really hope she will b ok and again be normal like usual. :(

What's my stories? Its September..and i'm 31 years old already. Umur Makin tua and segala kekusutan masi jgk ada. Her bday just passed by..i remember back those time when we used to spend our time together during the time when we always celebrate our bday together and never complaint about how old we was as long as we having fun and we are happy. Those had been passed longtime ago.What a journey that we having now. never wonder we will separate like this. maybe its just us that feel that our friendship will not go anyway.. But sometimes, don't know why i'm still missing her.even when i remember what the last thing that happened back in PJ...7 mths ago. i was tense, i was sad, i was mentally disturbed, every night of my day filled with darkness, and evil. Its just not the friendship that we used to build 10 years ago.

d fight..

Relief? Or should I be glad? Is mylife only about fight? problems? and nothing more then just about thinking things that unsolve?
Ever..in my whole life, I can be exactly happy with what I had. Coz If i be happy 100%, there's should be one bad things happened no matter in what I did.How im goin to say this? am i happy? satisfy with mylife? my comeback to Sabah? WHen at last i got somebody in life 'pathetic' love life?huh...i guess some of my friends will be laughing when they knew i even have some prob again with love.
I dont dare to drop any words regarding love..life in here cos i know whatever happened back then had guide me not to be confident about it..or to parade it.Its not that i don't have the love for him..or he don't love me..but it's about my surrounding. The people. The experience. The HURT.
He care..?yes. He love..?Yes. He committed?i wonder.But the only one things that i guess every women need in their guy and their relationship are tolerance, understanding and being patience in knowing our feeling just like away from women. hoping by that way they can make the situation ok.but i guess its not. i dun like to be ignored..and like i was invinsible for him. No discussion??
If it's really God's WIll that we being together forever, then...it's Him who decise then my faith with him. If he's not, then...by force also, it probably not good to both too. I just Him decide then..........

My friendship journey

((The original song which i had choose was actually 'COUNT ON ME' By BRUNO MARS, but unfortunately Don't know why the song was not active inside this YouTube. Sadly presented using the other available & suitable fave song which bring alot of meaning to me too-MY IMMORTAL-EVANESSANCE. Tried to combined the song with the original one but still can't be upload..eyeerrr!! (Frustrated!) since i had ready & preparede the slideshow with that song few weeks ago:(. A dedication for the bestbuddy that i ever had before...nothing much that i can explain to this friendship.It's faith that we meet, be friend and end as friend too.))


--->i once believe friendship will never end.i believe it is a sincere one. i didn't expect to end anyone life and friendship by the faults that done in the past.
i spend few days, few weeks to think of all those journey we had been. i spend my sleeping day to created this pieces.
I found out what had been missing and what had been found. But not ever to end on this. This is not to comfort ppl but it's my masterpiece of the journey that i had been thru which i want to keep forever. i know it's nothing for certain ppl, but for me it's a piece to remember even it will not be there anymore.
END.

My friendship journey

i once believe friendship will never end.i believe it is a sincere one. i didn't expect to end anyone life and friendship by the faults that done in the past.
i spend few days, few weeks to think of all those journey we had been. i spend my sleeping day to created this pieces.
I found out what had been missing and what had been found. But not ever to end on this. This is not to comfort ppl but it's my masterpiece of the journey that i had been thru which i want to keep forever. i know it's nothing for certain ppl, but for me it's a piece to remember even it will not be there anymore.
END.

LIFE after KL...

Life

I was informed that i got my transfer on the 3 weeks just before my real departure to KK and this time..it mean 'real'. Yeah, i beg for mercy for it to happen but didnt expect it will hurt someone feeling from this so-call happy news that people might think i would be in this situation., suppose they just see what they saw outside not deep inside.

myworld had change so far. But, deep down still the same faith. NOthing that really matter now if people see what actually being hiding at my back thruout these 1 mth of 'coming back' to KK.
Life sure change, work change, friends change, the faith will always maintain as it was before. DOn't know why.

Here, it's totally different from KL. i got some special friend at KL before. but it was all dissappear. Its meant to be. God has He's will probably. im not sure why but maybe He tried to say somethings to me but i'm the one who can't see the facts of it.That's why, Reality?God knows all that. SOmehow i sometimes don;t understand why it's hard for this to work? I feel the burden when thinking of it. MOney issue will owez be the 1st to enter in mylife..even if they said i should be glad i had the opportunity to come back to my hometown and i got the transfer, i got someone,i got myfamily, I got mywork..here. yeah,suppose i shoud be happy but not lihe this. Deep inside, the do feel some emptiness. Ppl should see what i'm thinking, feel and dealing with now. You know whenever you feel happy inside, is when all perfectly done, but i didn't. I'm glad bcos of 'them'...i appreciated their concern and help, but behind of all this drama, there are the 2 characters than actually should not 'die'in it.it's too deep, i know.i should not have to repeat back and remember what's past, but it's still 'there'. How could i stop? How could i fix it?
I lost something. i lost someone.i can't make them understand why it happened.
i guess i traumatize by some of the event in mylife. I can't even face any 'bad issues'.i fight with someone. i fight with ppl close to me, even now...i still feel the unsecured inside 'them'. I can't explain why, i tried to be wise, i tried to listen, understand and learn, but it's all faults. It's all negative.
The noices, the words, the actions make me always wonder if these ppl love and care for me sincerely or am i been cursed by ppl who hate me?disguised by my 'so-call' happy life? If yes, then..they are wrong!
Look at me they maybe will guess i'm as happy as those that have everythgs.
SIde of those'happiness', these's always appeared a 'dark cloud'.
I'm not saying i don't feel bless by ppl that care and love me now, i know they want to be thre for me, but i guess i'm the one that making those dark cloud appeared no matter what.


i'm afraid.EVen i'm here with my family and loved one, i know there's will always be a dark cloud.Until i feel i have to surrender myhappiness to one that want that should have it many years ago.

THat's my life now in KK.Basically i still fight with myself. I'm still finding myway to cure. CUre from what? EVerythings~i know i'm not like those holy ones that always bless by God,always have the place in His eyes. i know i never pray hard enough to have my happiness in this life. But i left Him to decide my faith, even for mylife now.