Yesterday had teached me a lesson that I will never learned frm anyone. The feeling of frustration & the tension of how problems concurred me making me feel like I'm not the JENNY that people used to know before this. I must Congrate to the person who making me feel and changed this ways cos he's the one that making me learned abt the'dissapointment' & the lesson of really believe in a true frienship & love. "thank you to...u!"...i 've learned to get my feet up and move on with my life.
Somehow, yesteday incident teach me how to differentiate between the boundaries of what thinking i shouldn't do after having this really teribble 'crisis' of my life since few mths ago.
Yeah, life is sometimes'sucks' in its ways. I didn't have much excuses to live my life free from any crisis if not bcos my own negative thinking that always keeping me more worst everydays, It feel like i'm carrying a burden at my back that it's so heavy for me to carry along into this journey.
My negative thinking had killing me frm behind and people seems to notice it day by day. I didn't hope and wish to get it netheir. I understood why and i begin to slow down my life far away from friends..& from the one i loved (even frm my family & my close friend). It started to control mybody & mind until at some point i realised even my close friend begin to step away from me. Maybe bcos they afraid to see me being so 'lame & down'... or they just think i might need time to be alone by myown and let me settling down from everythings that happened.
It does making me remember those old days that I was used to laugh & smiling, and now, it was different. I tried to make myself busy with works and all those hassle in the office to make me forgetting abt thgs that i wish I dun't want to think. I spend most of the time in the office more than in house to make me forget abt all those hurtful moment.I've been so quiet, dull & gloomy. I even think i become a lady that feel the life was over for me..and when I watched back to back NEWMOON for 3rd times...i feel like myself so in that position of being 'Bella' during her downtime when Edward left her that moment..! That's why I cried everytime during that part.
I tried to talked to some friends that not even closed to me so that I can let IT free from my very 'messy head'....and so that I can breath more easily.
But, I guess yesteday lecture & harsh 'words' from her does effected me now. Those facts words that she alwasy said abt friendship and true love was infact, it's TRUE!!
i cried all night thinking from it. Seeing all the faces that had advices me before, consults ,motivate & cared for me before had begin to appear one by one inside my brain. Even it does hurt me & making me feel not comfortable at all deep down, but when thinking the real fact of seeing myself have these kind of syndroms make me feel i wanna change into someone 'new'. I know it's hard for me to change into someone that can be stand up on my own feet & someone that happy like i used to be last time, but I want to enjoy my life. I had been advicing those kind of friends that used to have their problems & crisis along the way before, but I didn't realised now, I'm being one of them that are most worst to accept the facts of why it all happened to me.
These few mths, I tried to get myself away from people, from friends that even closed to me , from my bestfriend, from my family, i feel that I also want to stay away from GOD. Bcos I know I am not worth to be near them. I had done somethings wrong in my life that even myself can't forgive & forget. I feel like I'm being a burden to them. Althou, i knew I appreciated their thoughts, advice,care, love & support to me, but I don't know why ...I keep having these thinking of bad thgs in my head & it always end me up with much much more..confusing moment & negative one. I didn't request for these to happen, I never wonder myself to be such a 'physcotic' person ..in the eyes of them, but it always happened. But deep down my heart, i know I dun want to be this bad person...I dun want to let the devil control me & mymind. And even from the breaking up thgs & the friendship issues, i did tried to give myself a chance to be ....in positive position but, somehow, it doesn't work due to some other issues that arrived during the healing process.
ANd now, I feel I have to change my attitudes...my really bad 'ass' and dumb thinking ..so that i can stand up by myself. Stand between my 2 feet & be independent. Ya, become more independent than before, even without Her in my life anymore...~ i know i can't control her from being away from me in future, I know she had her own life that she always wanted. Someday, i know I will be alone by myself to settle my own 'mess' without her to motivate & being there for me, I still have too stand up!! i knw it's hard, I know I will feel different, But i guess i have to learn.
I htink that are much more easier for her to have her peace life together with someone else rather than being with a friend than so much in trouble like me. She worth to anyone that are more better than me, she have much more happier life.
That's what ...i feel it after the whole night of crying myself till sleep.
sooner or later, I will have to move on by myself, and ...i know someday, i will lose her but I know I will lose her friendship. I have faith in it & i believe God too want it to be this way. Like what God had planned, my love ..life was really sucks and it's does hurted each and everytime when I falled for the wrong person. But now, i see ...maybe God just want me to be free & learned somethings from it. Maybe it's true that I haven't found someone who's really love me for who I am..and really can be there for me in my up & down. Whom that can really can be my soulmate.
Know it pain that i feel, but ...what had done by him will always be remembered & I know i have to forget & forgive when it's time. HOPE will never fade away from me, I will wait till tat day to come & I hope God is there to guide me...& lead me the way.
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