REDEMPTION AND SIGNS

It's CHristmas day..and im here all alone in KL.Nothing to be pround and glad of during this time. It's all making me feel so sick and sad.How I want to start this?Is this some "test" from God that i had to deal with when everytime i hope for miracles to come? when i hope for some touched frm an angel? When i hope for some little bit of 'love' in my so-call damn life? WHen i need the changes? WHen i need that friendship back in line ? When i need financially strong? WHen i need my family near me and be able to hold together as one?When can i get these? When can achieve mylife happiness? When??
The only hope and wish that i ever hope for ..was indeed bring a disaster to me and the people i care and love? What suppose i do? what suppose to want to wish for anymore in this coming new year? What??!
I heard a bad news on Friday, Christmas eve, have your ever wonder the most unexplained experiences that you maybe only seen in TV and drama happened to yourself and never imagine it will be that real? I cant explain how it happen but..the guy that i just knew abt 4 mths ago..which unofficially bf had an accident with his cuzin. Its kind of my faults ( as i feel it) and somehow i blame it due to our uneasy conversation that time and due to the rushing time. I dun even got to call him that time, no msg..frm him until clock reach 640pm, i dun even knw tat number that he used, and when i know he's using his cuzin hp no..which understood that his cuzin also involved in the accident ,the one that drive. And he just told me that everythgs ok and what? expect me to stay calm?to stay happy? or again what??! i was in shocked of cos like a normal human being! Why can it be just other normal thgs that happened? why accident? just why? I don't need to tell further what how i felt that time cos it really killing me so softly like somethgs just punch you on the face..and i feel 'stunt' like a doll, feeling nothing besides... the 'shocked' and 'speechless'!! Cant even get him thru any of his cell line..and even from the his cuzin's number which he use to msg me! STupid things that i felt again! thinking too much of nothing! Arghhh! Need i tell how it feel..when i cant even know what actually happened and i have to wait for his ..call?it's so suck!!!
HOw can you let someone that love you and u love waiting that long to know what actually happened ah??! I didnt wish to have this suck feeling since the last incident! But that's why i said..he give me that feeling again and now..who i wanted to blame again? It again will be ME! so fragile! so sensitive! So soft! I just cant accept this kind of news..and it make me wondering and thinking..either it 's bad or good?!
EVenthou he had called me on the next morning, it doesnt change how i feel of being so ..suffered of everythings!i feel so mad!EVen how maybe it's true im so damn worrying, it still making mylife uneasy! Yeah,.Just like my bestfren use to say, i was one ppl that just like to make things out of nothing! im not a gud fren! Im not a good lover..even how hard i tried to be. I had already mentioned that to him that i can't be that lady,that gf that he wishes for cos..im not just a normal lady that can easily be loved and to love anymore...due to my present issues. But he convince me to wait and ..what should i do to make him runaway from me ....while i'm actually wishing he don't! Im just an ordinary girl that ..need some true love too in mylife..but i didnt manage to get any until today..and i didnt manage to provide such love to anyone.
You..yeah you my dear fren, you think i wanted only love in mylife? Do you think i didnt need any friendship?friendship forever? How i wish i can talk to you in everythings i feel including those happy and sad moment, how i wish u can also share with me urs..! I had told you many times..i tried to redemp all those wrong things that i've done..and all the faults in my past. i tried!! but did you give me a chance to prove it now? i tried again n again and all i get was only a 'shit' that you hope i get. yeah..Bad people will get bad things in return? Am I being that bad for you...my bff? Am i? i dunknow why i still being here then? Wanting this to stay! Wanting this to work out..! wanting some changes in our frienship and wanting anythings that been broken to reunite again! Wat tension me the most, when finally i got this guy who so in love with me end up being like this..and I cant even explain to him what goes wrong and i can't even tell our future together. I didnt find love since Charl. i wanted to find some friends that can be there for me..cos i know i can't burden my bff all the time. And cos i know she got her life too, and i wanted to let her 'breath' too..let her feel that she had other person to love and to be love!And i just want peace for us both! I don't want us become 'enemy' , i don't want us to fight and fight until there's some point i feel like i'm dying because of too much problems! None of those friends that can be there truely can hold on u..and i know who my friends that had being there with me..and one of them..is 'her'. And you think it';s easy for me to let that go?
My so-call bf..you had being there abit for me..for this past 4 mths, i didnt even wish it to be ended like my past relationship with all my exes. I want to change my perception, i wanted to changes on the part of having only'jerk' inside mylife which had ruined the half part of me since long time ago. I wanted to have atleast some decent guy who love me for who i am! For understand me ..truely me! and i need that attention..yeah..attention..and care..for my future! i need him to be too with me when im sick! when im crazy! when i need help, mentally and emotionally! I need him to know myfriends and to be along ! which that including my every bff buddy that had being there with me thru 10 years of mylife! WHy is it so hard for anyone to understand? Did i asked for more from You, GOD? DId i? Until you gave me such 'TEST' over mylife now!?
Oh God, Pls...Pls...show me ..guide me, give me some strength to just go by this rough road of mine! i didnt ask more..i had pray to you every single days..even in my static life.
You know how suffered it is to let everyone coming in your life but it just making it more bad?making everyone feel so afraid of you? When can i just get that normal life that i used to have before??! When again? IS it when i'm die? Is it when..im not here anymore??! I havent done my 'duty' yet to be a daughter and to be a human in this life. i still have alot to accomplish even i know this time around it's kind of hard to do, hard to prove to some people, to make them understand and see what goin on now and in future. SHe owez judge me of being too happy about guys? Maybe she saw me happy everytime got this guy coming in and that guy coming in, but did she ever see any of them stay and willing to stay long for me?! NOOO!! I KNOW im stupid sometimes, letting those jerks come into myheart and conquer me like 'shit' but im just a really a fragile soft naive girl that stil come from the block which is so easily fall for some words! yeah its true! that's why i tried to change my thoughts. i tried to let some gud guy come in even he's nobody even he's just a simple normal guy without anythgs to be proud of..even how old he's and how's his face or status to be parade and show off to everyone..and make everyone envy of me. i still give that chances for myself to know them..and that person now..is him-alfred. I can't talk about him ..i can't show him to anyone..even myown..friends cos i just scare it turn 'bad'..and it may effected on somethings. I tried to lay low! cos we are still in process of knowing each others ..and of..giving ourselves opportunity to let better aura coming in..!But i dunknow why..it's still not happening and i dunwant to say this, it turn to an ugly stuff which i ever imagine!
Pls.. I beg ..U GOD. Show me courage,strenght..some peace. If i deserve these, whether gud or bad, just let me feel it with open heart , with open mind. Forgive my sins to You, To my veryloved and care ppls , to theperson i accidently hurted before.Im not angel and i not satan, im normal lady that need her life back. i need this ..pls.:(

What"s goin on??

It"s had been almost reaching to another new year...and from what I experienced before, life pretty hard to predict.
The struggles, the pain, the sufferness, stress, tense, misunderstood, finance, friendship, family, work and Love had been there conquering my whole life since I started my journey in KL.
Been thinking alot about my sofisticated life that i had been thru these whole 10 years, and i finally knows why it had been always make me feel uncomfortable, suffered and destroyed my insanity and self-esteem. i'm just a normal person with a normal hope and wish. Yeah..i've done mistakes in my past and now i just want to prove that i want to change the whole things into some gud things for future. I know it;s so hard to obtain what i wish for ...and i know there's some that still cant accept the changes and think that i'm just bluffing about it and i know too that some will not believe that i will make the changes.
I can't explain how i feel...thruout this whole months of misery and frustration. But i tried to think wise, positive and i had tried to make things work between the people i care n love most. I know she understand. i know he understand it too by now. i just can't say why..but all i know is i want to spend my life with happiness and i want to see them happy too. EVenthou i know it will not solve what that had been goin on currently, but i do hope it can make everyone understand and feeling better maybe in future. Hope that God can guide me.

THE DISTURBANCE, THE RELATIONSHIP..

heiii..this was my 2nd attempt typing this blog. i didn't know that i didnt save the previous blog that i typed before.
How to start this?? i just don;t know where to start..cos it's just too much of pains and hurts here and there. I keep thinking of the past..and past that i been thru with her for these past of 10 yrs ago,. I keep thinking how the hell we can maintained being a great friends but at the same ..we still having some issues that not all people know.
Sometimes, i did think is it true that we can still be friend after all that we being thru for these whole time? what that been happened thruout these 10 yrs of our friendship?
I been killing my head to think and keep thinking until now if i was behind all these things that happened in mylife. i can't stand it anymore..i know it's all happened bcos of me and i did blame myself..since i was the one that hurting her sinCe the 1st day of her friendship with me.
Sometimes, i realised that i didn't have the energy to stop the tension and craziness of thinking to let things change and go as it suppose to be cos of the past history that one person had done. i understand that its not a n easy job to let things goas easy as that, since we had already incountered all experiences before.
i know i did some mistakes that even..,that i thought it was already beent long time ago. But it's all in my head. I knew things will never be what we hoping for.

How i want to say this? How i want to start to make her even understand> I know she will keep saying that everythings will always be easy for me..when the issue is ..."I DIDNT said that i don't want to be with myown best bud ' and she keep saying that she will soon lost me?? i maybe done a wrong things in the past..and of cos i don hope that it will be the last and make the frienship just end like that. I will never let it fade away but i still can't explain to her that this will never be ending..for us even in future, either one of us will start our life and have our ..other commitments but we are still friends till apart. I want it back and indeed i wanted it to be like last time, but why i feel like it won't b fine at all?God, is it so hard to fulfill what i wanted in my life ? IS it so hard to be happy and seeing everyone close to you happy? IS it hard to have a happy time together and move on with our life just like everyone else?? Why it always have to be a 'fight"??? i'm just a person that need those peace in my life , but somehow, i never get it...no matter how much i pray for it to be true...!!!
ARghhhhhhh... i just feel so depresssed!!

Michael Bublé - Lost (Video)

THE PAIN...

YOU SAID YOU LOVE ME
BUT NOW YOU DON'T
YOU SAID YOU CARE FOR ME
BUT NOW YOU JUST DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO KNOW
YOU PROMISE ME EVERY HAPPINESS
BUT ALL I KNOW IT'S JUST THE PAIN I GAINED

YOU BURN ME ALIVE WITH YOUR IGNORANCE
YOU STAB ME SOFTLY BY YOUR WORDS
YOUR DISSAPPEARANCE MAKE ME TIRED OF WAITING
LIE A CORPSE WITHOUT A SOUL
LIKE THE NIGHT WITHOUT THE MOON
LIKE THE DAY WITHOUT THE SUN

YOU SABOTAJ MY TRUST FOR YOU
YOU BETRAYED MYHEART FOR YOURS...
YOU TOUCHES EVERY PARTS OF THE LIFE I HAD
BUT YOU DESTROYED EVERY 'SMILE' OF ME...
IMMATURITY...YOUR SENSITIVITY...

THIS PAIN IS JUST TOO MUCH..
THIS SCAR WON'T HEAL..
YOUR WORDS JUST LIKE POISON THAT KILLS MY ANTIBODY..
THE TRUTH MAKE ME SICK..
THE FACTS TURNED ME INSANE...
YOU....ARE WRONG!
YOU ARE THE PRETENDER....
YOU JUST THE PAIN IN MY VEIN...

I'M WEAK BUT I'M ALIVE
BECAUSE YOUR POISON BUILD MY STRENGH
STAND UP AND STAY STRONG..
THE DEVINE FOR YOU IS JUST A TEMPORARY...DREAM
A SUCKS MOMENTOS..
A FREAK.....IN ME THE SHOULD NOT BE.
YOU JUST THE PAIN IN MY BRAIN...


-JENN-..2010'

how to start it?

i had been wondering tis for sometime. SAmpai berhari2 sya rasa..sya cuba mo pikir balik what actually happened in mylife..and i knew everyone thought that i'm changing.

I dunknow why...semua org ingat mcmtu..sampai sya balik2 fikir..betul ka sya sudah change or wat? i knew i did have myown problems.but should everyone judged me like i changed alot? what else i want to show people ? for making them see that i'm still ME! Sy tau la sya sudah byk berubah since i came to KL..and since my life not that stable..here and there, but should everyone want to judge everythings that I done like I dun have any ...feeling pun?
Even my own old bestfriend judged me like I'm not their friend anymore.i have feeling too. how to say this but, during sya balik KK..sya pikir sya dapat jumpa my oldfiends,atleast i can feel that there are still someone that can understand and care me, just by hearing me. i didnt ask them to lectured me of what had happened along my life in KL ni..dgn apa yg sya hadapi skrg lagi. i didnt ask. When they said and react when they met me..like i'm a total stranger sudah. I did asked some helps daripada dorg ..., but..do they need to say like i'm totally didn't know how to settle things? I'm now living mylife with 'regrets' and do i need to feel it more until i can lost myhope to feel happy ever again? What else i wanna do? Want else I wanna tell everyone? Even, some of the problems I tried to manage myself cos i know..all happened cause of myfaults. Do i need to inform everyone I'm trying to be..mature, to be gud, to be just simple person in everythings. MOney..the most important part and ..that's the main issue that i'm facing now.It's so hard to face the probs but it's more hard to face those friends that can't be there when i really needed them..more hard when you have to face those..words that people always said.about my physical..about face?about my personality?about mylife here? Do they need to say those things without knowing what exactly i feel?

i know mylife here is not that perfect, alot of the critical issues that some of people don't even know but..do I have to tell everyone how i feel? and how i'm trying to settle it now?? Everytime? Siap bole ckp about mywrickles? hahah..kinda funny kan? ANd cos i think too much they said..until i got some wrickles?my face not that happy anymore...and i didn't smile and it show that i'm not happy. That are what people's judgement about me. huhh.... guess what?

I wanna be happy. I wanna have fun in in life. I wanna have a future. I want to have career advantages.money.a gud life. gud family. gud friends..blah blah blah.. I wanna be cheerful person that i used to have, but ..sometimes when that things you wishes can't be that easy to get. I know why? Cos I have these probs. When there's no $$$ & you lose sane in life,and you start losing the positive attitudes in life too,..there will be a disaster! ..i tell you cos this is what happened. Life changed. Your friends change. You lose many friends. you lose those potential lovers/partners.Family ..lose trust on you. Friends keep saying you look 'teribble'..and most important, you employers too will question on your capability to provide good ..service to the company. WHy these happen? I guess only me who know it.

It's unfair. BUt ..i can't blame on God again. I blame before. I just know..it's a test that i think i suppose to face now. i have to be patience. i have to face with positive ways. It's sucks But i have too. When each and everyday, i think of it, of how much $$$ was left inside my wallet and how much i've throw away last time, it make me feel so sad, not sad...but depressed! People may seen it. People already judged. i just never want to feel the troubles that i facing now make me lost of those person that i hope can understand. I'm always being a crying baby each time i feel sad, but ..tis things had making me lose my tears. I guess..i cried in heart.



Who to turn to??

Jazmine Sullivan - Bust Your Windows

This is the video music that i dedicated to those 'jerko'..in any of the ladies' life. Wanna make us realise of those hurts and pains that we had before. I wish to be strong and braver like in the video music..JAzmine Sullivan did. I wish those guys that hurt me before will learned their lessons- that i'll be stand up again..and move on without you. CHeers to all the ladies that stand up and being strong from all those pains.