It's a hard day for me...

dear blog,

It had been long time since my last story. I don't want to express what i feel thru blog previously coz....i know somehow, it kind of sad to know that some people judged, sabotaj & doing some bad things to us by reading the blog and not trying to understand what actually happened and what actually the writer felt. That's what happened to me past few months ago. The person still reading my blog actually and still keep 'kacau'ing...people 's privacy until today. I hope he/she will understand truely by now..I had suffered enough. And if they still have God beside them, i'm sure they will know what to do or not what to do..inside other people 's blog site.

But today, i don't know why..i feel like i want to express it inside my blog. It's had been a really tought and hard day for me currently. It's just hard to explain what's actually goin on. It so much of complication and confusing moment here and there. I had tried to understand and follow up with what had happened around me these few days..i think it all started since someone 'new' came to my life. I feel like I'm the one to be blame for all these. I am the person who created the whole chaos. I feel so down right now with all the here and there..issues. I want to blame on other people, but i just can not coz i know ....it's me who start all the drama. I hope the person who related with this will be happy to read what i had typed now. I know some people just can't let go of being 'bad' to see me suffer every single day..and to make every person hated me like i'm not worth to have my own happy life as human being. Why ?? Why can't my life just be normal like other people? Why it must ended with problems? I never want to create any problems before i come to KL. I never think that i will be ... like i was now when i reached KL. I never thoughts i even had these kind of problems. Sometimes, i just can't take the pressure and the facts that i will loose my close friends in future if we do move on with our own life. I try to understand what actually she wanted in life..-which is to move on. yeah..i let her move on too. Coz i know, i want to see her be happy and had her own life that she always wanted.

Today, i went to church with my friend. Eventhou I' m not a Christian. But i always believe in GOd, and bcoz of that, I went to see HIM after so long not visiting the church. I was so in emotion everytime the choir sung the harmonious songs.. I feel I wanted to cry. I did cried...without myfriend seeing me. I know somehow, i feel somethings deep deep down inside my heart but i don't know how to say it.
I did make my prayer to some people i cared..and one of them..a friend that i mentioned earlier. She been there for me no matter what. She been there to support me in up and down. Her present thru these years had make me more glad enough. I never hope for better than seeing her being happy but..things not doing well after all recently. adn yes..i know why.
Bcoz i'm not being fair enough to see her being happy with another friends. It's not all bcoz of jelousy, it's somehow bcoz..i'm afraid of losing her to a better friend. And the better friend i talked about is also my very close friend indeed. How am i goin to survive..this episode? she will keep on feeling unsteady and uncomfortable when seeing or knowing that the new person in my life appeared. It's making me feel so...depressed and feel i was so wrong. I tried to make her understand, i talked to her..i let her know how I feel and I always cared for her and let her know what i feel for everythings that happened in our life...just bcoz i wanted her to know that i still 'CARED'!!

But why it's so hard to understand and why it's so hard to make things be better as normal? I was wrong to put the blame on the other friend that being with her when she was down, advicing her when she need someone whose being positive to lead her to a positive way. I can't give her that..i know coz, I know I can't & i know she will not even want me to be there for her too this time around. I did be that part before in her life ...past few years..and it make me remembered back how we become very close friend until now.
It making me sad to think ..that I can't play that part anymore...eventhou I wanted it too but it will not be the same anymore. So you know how hard to accept that it had change??

I do care and still love her to be my close friend and ..sister. I wanted she to know that everyday..while we still alive and while still breathing. Not many people and friends stayed in our life like we used to be. Many of them come and go as time passing by. A true friend really hard to find these days... ~ NOt many friends can touched our life like what this close friend does. She did everythings to make me feel secured of life and to make me happy, to remember it all back really touch my soul and heart. Thank You very much for being there my wonderful friend, I really do appreciated it every single days of my life. I just can't explain to her sometimes i do remember those happy times when we are all still being a teenagers..being restless teenagers and being energetic everyday. It still fresh kept in mymind. I wanted that life again..i wanted that quality times when we can share every stories in our life together..even we talked about guys..and future. That's what i wish for throughout these few years that you didn't even know.
I cried to sleep when the 1st time i think of it. It had make me hope and wish that someday, you will be much much more happier than today.I wanted her to have her peaceful life where she don't have to think of me being happy all the time. I wantde her to have a 'new' person in her life who can take care of her now and forever. I wanted all the best for her. And Pls GOD, i know u hear my prayer..pls just let it be true.

If that can help in our friendship, i really hope ...YOU granted it to her.
I wanted to take the opportunity to say 'sorry' for the lady that being with her friend recently but now...ignoring her bcoz of my mistakes. you know who u are in our life..friend, and U will forever be my new close friend... now and forever.